Self Infliction
Ominous reflections.
Unintended rejection…
It’s like a layer or, protection.
To escape the possible path of destruction.
Cowering from affection.
One piece at a time.
There’s a familiar pain.
At this point, I’m a broken record expressing my emotions this way.
When do you finally feel at ease?
My selflessness is taken for granted.
Yet I still stand here to offer support ripping off pieces of myself that still needs to heal.
Will it ever be enough?
Will I keep giving until there’s nothing left of me?
A constant ache.
Please tell me there’s more to this because I’m sick of being deceived.
I’ve never known anything more…
Only a broken family.
Hope through prayer
There’s been a newfound comfort for me lately.
It’s been avoiding people altogether.
It is simple, really.
I have come to realize I don’t expect my loneliness to be fulfilled.
Company is temporary because the feeling comes back.
I have not yet found the person that would make me think otherwise.
I’m too hurt over the last person I gave my all to.
Until then I will continue to pray.
To regain my strength and to overcome this state of mind.
Pain
My lungs are screaming internally. My chest struggles to calm my every breath as it sears with an all too familiar pain.
These tears refuse to fall but my body is crying and screaming at me.
It’s the empty feeling that takes the toll…
Each dream is a reflection of my daily pain. It haunts me.
I cannot seem to determine which is worse at this point.
My daily reality or my subconsciousness.
Misdirection
We let society tell us who we are and what we see.
Some days I’m content… but most days I’m a wreck.
Why can’t I believe my own sight? … for a brief moment.
I lose grasp slowly.
My confidence has been tested and I can see now that it’s no longer something I can control.
You Deserve Better
You deserve better.
It’s not a phrase that will belittle myself or degrade me.
It’s an understanding…
To feel everything we’ve once had.
All the right moments in the beginning.
A clean slate so that there’s no accusations, no negativity, and no distrust.
You deserve better.
As in every single moment is a breath of fresh air.
Clarity.
The need to be at peace, truly.
I deserve better.
All the above and to love wholeheartedly.
Experiencing each moment without a doubt.
Learn to choose better and let go of what’s holding you back from what you deserve. đź’‹
Roller Coaster of Emotions
These unprecedented times has had different affects amongst us as we quarantine and move forward day by day. There are people who are complying with the regulations. There are people refusing to be seen as “sheep”, who swear that their rights are being infringed.
I cannot say that I agree. These dire times have affected us all differently. I have lost loved ones. Close family in a matter of days upon being diagnosed. This makes me, as a mother, all-the-more cautious about my children’s safety.
I’m not here to debate. I’m simply expressing my own experience during this pandemic.
My mentality has changed. I am struggling with depression symptoms. So hang in there. Write a blog. Lift some weights. Learn a new hobby and reach out we are all going through this together.
Thank you for reading.
2020
Life’s intimidation. It’s almost like a sacred desecration.
A mass genocide and we’re still indifferent.
Where have we gone wrong…. A whole era completely erased.
People crying;
We can’t breathe!
Genocide of the classes. Death at the mass…
Uncovered news reports, articles, what’s more important than a human life?
A soul…. Yours and mine alike.
How can one be so strongly opinionated?
Why does the complexion of our skin determine who we are… what we are capable of?
The world is belligerent.
…and we are the cause.
Too Deep
It’s been awhile.
Since I could take a deep breath without immediately gasping for air like my panic attacks.
Since I could come into my own place and feel comfort instead of sharp knives in my chest.
Since I could look at another happy family and accept that we are going to be okay.
It’s been awhile.
Since I fantasized about anyone else.
Since I felt free.
Since I felt full control of my own mind, body, and emotions.
It’s been awhile.
Since I could enjoy my own time to write.
Since I could like my own interests in life without upsetting you.
Since I could look how I want with my makeup and clothing.
Since I could be me without worrying about consequences.
Don’t let yourself go thinking you are a saint. Don’t stay just to get put into a position where you can’t let go. Don’t look into that mirror just to see through someone else’s eyes. Don’t listen to their romantic little alibi’s.
Don’t let yourself be treated less than you actually deserve.
Insecurities
The longing for tranquility.
The desperate need for security.
How do we prosper;
To thrive successfully.
Captivated by an ominous mentality….
u n d e s i r e d i n s a n i t y.
